Kuroba Kaito's Comedies
by Name-Changing Beast
Summary: Light, humorous one-shots set in the universe of Magic Kaito.
1. Kaitou KID's Pet

**Kaitou KID's Pet**

Staccato bursts of air exploded from Hakuba Saguru's mouth as he tried his best to catch up with and overtake the effortlessly sprinting white phantom.

"I'll catch... you, KID!" he yelled, gasping for breath before finishing, his fists more flailing than waving in his frustration and excitement. Taxed and wheezing, he came to a halt and braced his no longer flailing arms against the nearest wall.

"Gah!" he yelped as he felt something touch his leg, not just a carelessly abandoned artifact, but something _alive_ and moving.

"Oh!" Kaitou KID exclaimed, suddenly back to the place where the detective had abandoned his chase. "There's my Clover! I wondered where you got off to!"

"Eh?" Hakuba wondered before he looked down. He already felt the sharp recognition, yet he still hoped and prayed that his suspicions about this were wrong. Unfortunately, his worries were well-founded.

"ACHOO!" he sneezed, several choice words running through his mind before the thief again spoke.

"Oh, Hakuba-tantei~," he purred, "How do you like my new pet? Isn't he just adorable!?"

Hakuba could no longer contain said choice words. "Damn you, KID! You-!" He was cut short by a second sneeze, rapidly followed by a third and a fourth. Still sneezing between words, he demanded, "You get that... _cat_... away from... me right... now!"

And so, those few insomnia-ridden souls who happened to glance at the towering roof of Beika Museum on that fateful night saw a man bent over, dying a sneeze-induced death, while another brightly-clad, caped man leaped over the roof and disappeared. Those souls were the only witnesses to what had just become one of Kuroba Kaito's favorite tricks.


	2. Dinner with Aoko

**Dinner with Aoko**

"Wow, okaasan," Kaito praised one night, "This is really, really good... Definitely a contender for the ongoing 'Best Meal Cooked by Okaasan' competition!"

Aoko, tonight's dinner guest at the Kurobs household, just chuckled quietly while her classmate continued to speak in awe of the main course. _Little does he know_, Aoko thought, _That _I_ was the one to pick tonight's main dish!_ As Kaito had not yet developed the ability to read the minds of his evil, revenge-seeking classmates, he did not slow in his shoveling of food even though Aoko could not stop her giggles.

The girl realized that even though he could be the sort of complete pervert who has no qualms with flipping her skirt while in school, Kaito was the type of boy who wouldn't showcase any manners less than perfect in front of his own mother. Aoko would not allow this to ruin her revenge, though; she'd just have to ask the question _for_ the magician.

"Hey, Kuroba-san, I've never tasted anything quite like this before. Would you mind terribly to give me the recipe? I think otousan would love to have it sometime!"

Kaito's mother, well aware of the revenge, began to list the ingredients for the girl, with Kaito paying little attention to the conversation. That is, until his mother revealed the final ingredient.

"Then, you beat the mix until it's well-blended and use a little bit of it to top each piece of salmon," Mrs. Kuroba instructed.

"WHAT!?" Kaito yelped, immediately leaping away from the dinner table and toward the bathroom.

"Wow!" Aoko exclaimed. "He took that even harder than I could've hoped for!"

"He sure did." Mrs. Kuroba chuckled along with Aoko.

Meanwhile, Kaito remained in the bathroom, severely regretting his guiding principle to avoid hurting anyone.


	3. Kaito's Fishy Weekend

**Kaito's Fishy Weekend**

"Now," Nakamori Aoko said one Friday night, throwing a pillow, a couple of blankets, and a bag containing sundry snacks and a change of clothes into the building after Kuroba Kaito, "You're not leaving until you get over your silly little fear."

"No! Aoko!" Kaito cried, struggling toward the rapidly closing door. "Save me from this evil place!"

"Kaito, don't fight against me," Aoko ordered. "It's incredibly stupid for a seventeen-year-old boy to be afraid of _fish_. This phobia is keeping you from living your life fully. I know you'd probably rather see a psychologist to cure this, but neither you nor I can afford that. Instead, we're going to use the second-best option: flooding."

Aoko went on to explain the idea, holding the door open just enough for her voice to reach the petrified magician. "It's supposed to be really effective, and I bet it can fix you! You see, we just expose you to a lot of fish all at once and keep doing it until you feel fine being around them. You don't even have to touch one; just look at them and feel comfortable falling asleep surrounded by them. You're perfectly safe, Kaito. I'll be back Sunday afternoon to take you back home. Remember, you won't have to do this ever again if you succeed this time!"

"See ya!" she cheerfully called to the boy, finally letting the door click shut and lock into place.

"No! You can't lea-!" Kaito started to yell after her, before changing his mind. "What am I saying? Forget it. She doesn't care about me. She won't save me from this hell."

_Damn_, he thought, _There's no hope of escaping. There are tanks of those disgusting creatures along every wall!_

"I'll never forgive her," Kaito muttered. He drew the hood of his jacket over his eyes in an attempt to avoid seeing the stares of the monsters along the walls, and he slowly explored, looking for the safest and most isolated place.

"She won't just leave me in this aquarium! She won't! Aoko wouldn't do that. Would she?" He sighed. Even if Aoko did come back, Kaito had already tried the door and found it to be locked. Since the aquarium only operated on weekdays, he would be trapped here until the employees came on Monday. "Does she even know all of that?"

"Gah!" Kaito exclaimed as his face visibly paled, or would have visibly paled had there been any light outside of the fish tanks to see by. "Is there ANY place where these beasts are staring at me!?"

With that question in mind, Kaito wandered until he finally reached a corner with only three fish in sight.

_I'm not the weird one here_, Kaito thought, drifting into sleep, _Aoko's the freak. Any sane person would be terrified._ _So scary-looking._

More than two days later, a couple of employees discovered a petrified teenager shuddering at the back of the local aquarium. Too scared to speak, the boy was temporarily introduced to his new home at the nearest mental institution, at the request of all of that aquarium's employees.

"Men, I'm worried," Inspector Nakamori shared. "We haven't seen KID in over a week. We need to find him. We need to catch him before he gets too far away, or there's no chance for us! I want all officers on this case; we'll leave a few at headquarters to handle any new cases, but KID is our primary concern until I deem otherwise. Oh, we also have a missing person's report; one Kuroba Kaito hasn't been seen since last Friday night, so get an officer or two on that."


End file.
